The Hidden Reason You Struggle With Perfectionism, Control or People-Pleasing
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep doing this?” Whether it’s saying yes when you mean no, trying to control every little detail or never feeling like you’re good enough... you’re not alone.
Most of us have a pattern or two we’d love to “fix.” We beat ourselves up for being too much of a perfectionist, for people-pleasing, for numbing out or for trying to hold it all together.
But here’s the truth most of us were never told:
These patterns aren’t proof that something is wrong with you.
They’re actually signs your body has been doing its best to keep you safe.
Why These Patterns Show Up
Perfectionism, people-pleasing and control don’t just appear out of nowhere. They form early on, often long before you realised it.
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People-pleasing may have been your way of making sure you stayed loved and connected.
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Perfectionism could have been how you avoided criticism or earned approval.
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Control might have given you stability in a world that felt unpredictable.
Even coping tools like overworking, numbing out or bypassing emotions are ways your nervous system has tried to protect you from pain.
They worked once. They helped you survive.
The problem is, they don’t always help you live.
Why “Fixing Yourself” Doesn’t Work
So many women I work with tell me they’ve tried to change these patterns, forcing themselves to stop people-pleasing, judging themselves for not being “relaxed enough,” or layering on more affirmations hoping they’ll finally feel confident.
But forcing change doesn’t stick, because you’re fighting the very thing that kept you safe.
Healing begins when you create enough safety that those patterns can finally soften on their own.
It’s less about fixing and more about learning to meet those parts of you with compassion.
The Role of Trauma and Safety
Here’s another piece most people miss: unprocessed trauma — big or small — can quietly block the very life you’re trying to create.
It’s why you might:
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Struggle to manifest the things you want, even when you’re doing “all the right steps.”
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Keep repeating the same cycles in relationships or work.
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Feel like something is holding you back, but can’t name what.
It’s not that you’re failing. It’s that your body is still prioritising safety over growth. Once you start healing, your nervous system no longer has to grip so tightly. That’s when space for real change opens up.
Are You Healing or Hiding?
Spirituality, self-help tools and mindset work can be beautiful supports. But they can also become another way of avoiding what’s really going on.
This is called spiritual bypassing, using positivity or practices to skip over uncomfortable feelings instead of facing them.
True healing doesn’t mean ignoring the messy parts of yourself. It means welcoming them. Belonging doesn’t come from being “high vibe” all the time. It comes from knowing all parts of you are allowed to exist.
A Simple Daily Practice
One of my favourite practices to bring yourself back to centre is a simple four-step check-in:
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Pause. Take a slow breath and soften your body.
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Notice. Ask yourself: which part of me is leading right now? (The controller, the perfectionist, the people-pleaser?)
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Listen. Gently ask that part, “What do you need right now?”
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Lead with Self. Invite your calm, compassionate self to step forward, instead of letting old patterns run the show.
This isn’t about doing it perfectly. It’s about remembering you always have the choice to respond from a place of self-trust, not survival.
The Reminder You Might Need Today
There is nothing wrong with you.
The very parts of you you’ve tried to silence — the perfectionist, the controller, the pleaser — were never your flaws. They were your protectors.
When you stop fighting them and start listening, something shifts.
Instead of shame, there’s compassion. Instead of fear, there’s trust.
And that’s where freedom begins.
Reflection
Next time you catch yourself people-pleasing or trying to control everything, try pausing and saying:
“Thank you for protecting me. I’m safe now.”
Notice how your body softens when you stop making yourself the enemy.
Healing doesn’t start with fixing who you are. It starts with remembering who you’ve always been and creating enough safety to live from that place.